Sometimes I Have Bad Days
Depression. It’s a bitch.
I have it. Not as bad as I used to, or at least it doesn’t affect me in the same sucking vortex of apathy that it did ten or so years ago, when getting out of bed was a major victory. But I still have them. And yesterday was one.
I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t. Everything was too hard. Talking to people, looking at people, posting on the internet, eating; everything. I wasn’t even sad; which is what people who don’t deal with depression think depression feels like. I was just tired; tired and not interested in any damn thing.
And you know what sucks? That apathy builds on itself. Not doing the things you need to do has two insidious results. First, it allows you to make further excuses the next day. “Oh, I didn’t do anything yesterday and it was fine. I’ll do the same tomorrow, and it will be equally fine. Sigh.” And anything that you can’t militantly not concern yourself with causes guilt. “I’m so useless. All I did was sit around yesterday. What is wrong with me?”
Those two thoughts invade everything in your life and poison everything. If you have to care about it, your depression will convince you that you will fail so why bother and, of course, “why bother” is the default position of depression.
So…what do I do?
Shower. For me, clean is the first step to sane.
Make an appointment. I am lucky in that I have a job that allows me to work from home when I need to do so. But tomorrow I’m going in. Because I promised that I would and if I don’t I’ll never leave the house again.
Shout down the voices of “Who Gives a Fuck?” and “You’ll Fuck it Up!” Once I figure out how to do this consistently I’ll get back to you.