Leap And The Net Will Appear
At least I hope so. Or possibly this is a mid-life crisis. Who knows?
Here are the facts:
The city we live in is great…for other people. It’s too small and too southern for us.
Things here are strangling A- and frankly I’m not willing to watch that happen any more.
Neither of us is who we want to be.
The location is only part of that.
Who I want to be is a writer. I can do that anywhere.
A- wants to be happy and I want her to be happy and she can do that best in the state where her family lives.
The solution to that seems simple right?
Here’s the problem. When you start planning for a big life change, all of your doubts go into high gear. I have personified this phenomenon because I was feeling not quite nerdy enough. I call it The Little Hater. My Little Hater sounds suspiciously like my mother, not surprising to anyone who has encountered someone with BPD. Please allow me to demonstrate:
OMG YOU’RE GOING TO FAIL AND BE HOMELESS EXCEPT YOU’LL BE SLEEPING IN YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW’S BASEMENT AND NOT HAVING A JOB AND YOU”RE A SHITTY WRITER AND NO ONE WILL HIRE YOU AND YOU WILL BE A FAILURE FOREVER STUPID UGLY WORTHLESS WHY DON’T YOU JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE SO YOU CAN FAIL SLOWLY?!
Oh yeah, that’s what happens in my brain, kind of constantly when I think about this huge change that we’re looking at making. In case you are wondering, it is not fun.
But the thing is, the place we’re in now, not the location but the financial, mental, emotional place, which is somewhat connected to our distance from A-‘s family, is a place where we’re not happy. It’s also a bunch of other stuff and we’re both self-aware and adult enough to know that problems travel with you so a change in location won’t change the other issues that every relationship has. But the fact is that the location is a contributing factor to the overall unhappiness of the person I love and, you know, me.
So we’ve got to change it. And here we are back at the Little Hater. It never ends. That is, unless I make it end.
How do I do that? In my case, Nerd Power. I allow myself to be afraid and then I stop listening to all the negative self talk and I move on. Specifically, I use this.
At some point the Little Hater will shut up and go bother someone else, right?