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Leap And The Net Will Appear

February 6, 2013

leap

At least I hope so. Or possibly this is a mid-life crisis. Who knows?

Here are the facts:

The city we live in is great…for other people. It’s too small and too southern for us.

Things here are strangling A- and frankly I’m not willing to watch that happen any more.

Neither of us is who we want to be.

The location is only part of that.

Who I want to be is a writer. I can do that anywhere.

A- wants to be happy and I want her to be happy and she can do that best in the state where her family lives.

The solution to that seems simple right?

Here’s the problem. When you start planning for a big life change, all of your doubts go into high gear. I have personified this phenomenon  because I was feeling not quite nerdy enough. I call it The Little Hater. My Little Hater sounds suspiciously like my mother, not surprising to anyone who has encountered someone with BPD. Please allow me to demonstrate:

OMG YOU’RE GOING TO FAIL AND BE HOMELESS EXCEPT YOU’LL BE SLEEPING IN YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW’S BASEMENT AND NOT HAVING A JOB AND YOU”RE A SHITTY WRITER AND NO ONE WILL HIRE YOU AND YOU WILL BE A FAILURE FOREVER STUPID UGLY WORTHLESS WHY DON’T YOU JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE SO YOU CAN FAIL SLOWLY?!

Oh yeah, that’s what happens in my brain, kind of constantly when I think about this huge change that we’re looking at making. In case you are wondering, it is not fun.

But the thing is, the place we’re in now, not the location but the financial, mental, emotional place, which is somewhat connected to our distance from A-‘s family, is a place where we’re not happy. It’s also a bunch of other stuff and we’re both self-aware and adult enough to know that problems travel with you so a change in location won’t change the other issues that every relationship has. But the fact is that the location is a contributing factor to the overall unhappiness of the person I love and, you know, me.

So we’ve got to change it. And here we are back at the Little Hater. It never ends. That is, unless I make it end.

How do I do that? In my case, Nerd Power. I allow myself to be afraid and then I stop listening to all the negative self talk and I move on. Specifically, I use this.

litanyagainstfear

At some point the Little Hater will shut up and go bother someone else, right?

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Carol Harrell permalink
    February 6, 2013 8:50 AM

    The human mind is a wonderful and dangerous thing. What one fills the mind with tends to happen in one way or another. I overcame depression in part by saying “thank-you” for little things…like finding a parking place or being able to breath or seeing a sunset.
    Affirmations do help such as “the litany against fear”. You can make your own too… “I am adventurous.” “I don’t want to spend my life in ‘what-if'”…..

  2. February 6, 2013 7:30 PM

    I use the litany against fear from Dune as well. It works as well as any other affirmation for battling the negative self talk! Go nerds. 🙂

  3. Crone2013 permalink
    February 6, 2013 11:27 PM

    One of the things that worked for me was to listen to the voice, and ask it questions. Hear what it is telling you, acknowledge what it has to say, so that it knows you are listening, then have a conversation with it. Ask it questions. Why would I fail. When it gives you the answer, if it doesn’t make sense, ask why again. Continue with this until you get to the root of what is going on.

    It took a while, and I found that if I did this in a journal it was easier for me (no idea why, but I imagine it had something to do with the writing process). I used a old spiral notebook so I would not feel guilty about throwing it away when I had completed the process.

    When I finally got to the bottom of what was driving my voice, it was the old church stories – that women are the root of all evil, so I could never be good enough or successful.

    Since I had consciously given up those stories (meaning I no longer believed them), I could answer the voice and explain that those stories no longer held value for me because I did not believe in the tenants of that religion. After that, the voice stopped telling me that I wasn’t good enough, would never be successful, etc.

    The voice is still there, but now my sub-conscious self works with me, instead of against me.

    Hope this can be helpful for you.

    I enjoy your writing, your blog is a must stop on my daily reading list.

    I hope you and A find a place where you can be happy and at peace with yourselves and each other.

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