Depression Is This Crushing Weight
A weight with teeth and claws and a map to all the tender parts of my soul.
Right now, the weight is tangible. it’s been pouring and overcast for days and the weather has a negative impact on my mental state. At least that is what I choose to blame. Also, you know, my brain chemistry is all fucked up.
At the moment, that fucked up aspect is manifesting itself as the Little Hater and a rousing game of Look-How-Much-Better-Than-You-Everyone-In-The-World-Is.
In case you were wondering, it’s not a fun game.
Facebook is fucking with my shit.
I’m happy for my friends. I love them. I rejoice int he things that bring them joy and I share their sorrows. However, some of the joys they post dig at me.
I don’t begrudge them their joys. I don’t wish they were less happy or successful. There are just times when I get so damned envious because it gets hard to hear the Little hater in my head tell me that I’m not as happy or successful as they are because I am so flawed.
The exact refrain is “Stupid, ugly, worthless,” over and over again for days.
The thing in this universe that hates me the most is me. How does someone even begin to process that?