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Depression Is This Crushing Weight

February 26, 2013

A weight with teeth and claws and a map to all the tender parts of my soul.

Right now, the weight is tangible. it’s been pouring and overcast for days and the weather has a negative impact on my mental state. At least that is what I choose to blame. Also, you know, my brain chemistry is all fucked up.

At the moment, that fucked up aspect is manifesting itself as the Little Hater and a rousing game of Look-How-Much-Better-Than-You-Everyone-In-The-World-Is.

In case you were wondering, it’s not a fun game.

Facebook is fucking with my shit.

I’m happy for my friends. I love them. I rejoice int he things that bring them joy and I share their sorrows. However, some of the joys they post dig at me.

I don’t begrudge them their joys. I don’t wish they were less happy or successful. There are just times when I get so damned envious because it gets hard to hear the Little hater in my head tell me that I’m not as happy or successful as they are because I am so flawed.

The exact refrain is “Stupid, ugly, worthless,” over and over again for days.

The thing in this universe that hates me the most is me. How does someone even begin to process that?

Depression

 

 

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Crone2013 permalink
    February 27, 2013 12:36 AM

    I am sorry that you are wrestling with your inner demons.

    Please know that I think you are a great writer, and an interesting intelligent person. I have been reading your blog for quite some time, and make sure that I visit every day.

    I am not stupid or worthless, so if I choose to spend my time checking in to see what you have to say, you can not be stupid or worthless either.

    Have a conversation with that voice, and make it explain why it thinks you are those things. Don’t take because I say so for an answer. Get to the bottom of it, and then you can have a conversation about that. Listening to a voice repeat itself and tell you how stupid you are is not a great place to be (I know). But understanding the source of that opinion will give you the power to accept or reject the underlying premise of the claim. Once I knew the source of the opinion, it was easy make the voice be quite. (mine was, women are the root of all evil, it says so in the Bible, so you have to be bad because women are bad).

    Once I understood that the voices power came from the stories I was told in church as a child, it lost its power over me.

    I wish you well on this journey.

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  1. Yes Robin Williams’ Suicide WAS Selfish. That’s How Depression Works | What a Witch

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